If you’re not reading the comments on my Atlas Shrugged posts, you’re missing half the fun. Commenter Sneezeguard’s excellent “Cobra Commander Dialogues” have brought a whole host of supervillains flocking to Galt’s Gulch, including Doctor Doom (in three parts so far!) and even the ghost of Stalin.
But the latest post has spawned one of my favorite memes yet. When I pointed out that Ayn Rand scorned Shakespeare as an insufficiently pro-capitalist view of life, several commenters have been inspired to rewrite Shakespeare’s plays in proper Objectivist style! Take a look:
From TBranin, who started things off:
Objectivist Shakespeare:
MacBeth: Blond square jawed MacBeth kills ugly King Duncan and kicks out his moocher sons to become King of Scotland. He becomes the best king ever thanks to his objectivist philosophy and general attractiveness. The End.
Romeo and Juliet: Two blond angular young people rebel against their parents and culture in order to be together, but eventually break up when Juliet finds someone better.
Richard III: Tall, handsome, and not at all deformed Richard seizes England away from the looters and moochers who once ruled it. His rule is challenged on the Battle of Bosworth Field, but he wins a crushing victory irrespective of whether or not he has a horse.
The Merchant of Venice: Handsome, blonde, tall, angular Merchant Antonio takes a loan out from the ugly and therefore evil moneylender Shylock with a pound of his flesh to be the collateral. Of course his ships all come in loaded with wealth so he’s easily able to pay the money back
Claudius (Formerly Hamlet): Tall, square jawed, blue eyed Claudius kills his brother to claim the the throne of Denmark, then gives the former king’s moocher son the boot. The End.
Taming of the Shrew: (No change)
King Lear: An aging yet handsome blond, steely eyed King gives his kingdom to his two selfish daughters Goneril and Regan while giving nothing to his selfless and loving daughter Cordelia. This turns out to be a good decision.
Other people have since added their own suggestions. From J-D:
Othello: Misguidedly altruistic Othello and Cassio perish miserably as an inevitable result of their futile efforts to maintain the rule of the self-doomed People’s State of Venice. After its ruinous collapse, blond, steely-eyed, angular Iago emerges from his secret hiding place to be acknowledged by the few surviving Cypriots as their natural superior.
From duke_of_omnium:
Henry V: After a stirring speech on St. Crispin’s Day, angularly handsome Henry V finds that his host of moochers have had their passports made, and crowns for convoy placed in their purses. He defeats the French Army single-handed anyway when they stop to demand government regulations on the length and sharpness of English swords.
From esmerelda_ogg:
Julius Caesar: A conspiracy of looters and moochers, chafing under the firm leadership of steely eyed, handsome though brown-haired Julius Caesar, try to persuade Caesar’s friend Brutus to join their evil plot. However, Brutus cannot be swayed from his awed, hero-worshipping loyalty to his friend, and besides both Brutus and Caesar are rich. Caesar and Brutus abandon Rome to its fate and march off to a hidden valley in the Swiss Alps. Or some such place. It’s a hidden valley; are you Objective enough to be told how to find it?
And from busterggi:
A Midsummer Night’s Dream: rough draft burned, no mention of its existance allowed by tradition as there are no laws.
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